Sunday, February 15, 2009

Family Christmas Newsletter 2008


Family sues Facebook over Missing Mother

WASHINGTON, DC— Federal courts are abuzz over the first ever case of it’s kind— a family filing kidnap charges for a woman who isn’t actually gone.

“You see,” said the family’s attorney, “Mrs. Schlegel spends so much time on this alleged internet ‘networking’ site, that it’s as if she has been abducted. We want Facebook to pay for its mesmerizing powers that hold the woman hostage at her computer all day. This family has been victimized!”

“The laundry is piling up,” whined the woman’s son. “And we haven’t had dinner in a month.”
Mrs. Schlegel last communicated with her family when she posted a photo of dinner for them to enjoy and sent them two pieces of holiday flair.

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Man attempts to perform his own surgery

DALLAS TX, — Medical professionals are outraged over a report of a man who plans to surgically repair his own knee. Erich Schlegel, who has no medical degree or background decided to attempt the risky procedure after tearing his ACL for the 3rd time while playing soccer in a league for men who are way too old for contact sports.

“Look,” said Schlegel, when asked about his controversial decision, “I’ve been through this procedure as many times as some surgeons. How hard can it be? Anyway, my wife told me that we better never have to pay for another knee surgery. I’m sure this is what she’d want.”
So what kind of man would brave this sort of uncharted territory?

“A very, very, very stupid man,”said Dr. Hans Schneidenfooten of the Mayo Clinic. “But zen again, he did keep playing soccer after zee first two surgeries, so how bright could he be?”

When called for comment, Mrs. Schlegel just muttered the word, IDIOT” and hung up the phone.

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New Guinness Record Holder

DUBLIN— Guinness records verified that Jakob Schlegel, age 8, now holds the world record for most annoying questions asked in a row.

“How deep is the Mariana’s trench?” asked the youngster. “And what’s the tallest building? How wide is the universe? How much does this house cost? What’s smaller than an electron? Why do Mommy’s need bras?”

“He sure is a curious lad!” smiled one committee leader.”But ...does it ever end?”

When asked if he ever stops, Jakob replied, “What’s the biggest thing in the world? And what’s bigger than THAT? How much does it weigh?”
When contacted for an interview, the proud parents begged, “Please! No more questions!”

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Award Show Adds New Category


HOLLYWOOD—
The Academy Awards decided this week to present a gold statuette in a never-before honored category:

“Best whining in an overly-dramatic, yet trivial situation” has been something we’ve been toying with for years, “ said Producers. But we’ve never really seen a lot of talent in this area— until we met Brooke Schlegel”

“It’s true,” said Brooke’s agent. “She can make even the smallest situation seem like life or death. I’ve never seen tears summoned so quickly,— talent like hers is breathtaking!”

When told of the award, Ms. Schlegel responded, “I wanted a PLATINUM STATUE!!!!”
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Youngster Invents Sport

MURPHY, TX– A local toddler invented a new sport, and is reportedly being courted by backers to go national with a league.

There is no doubt that the game, which is a unique blend of baseball, sumo-wrestling and full-contact golf, is entertaining to watch. However, skeptics point out the complicated, ever-changing rules, lack of accurate score-keeping and odd way that the winner often tackles his opponents when play is finished.

When asked to clarify the rules, creator Connor Schlegel simply stated, “I hit, Bam! Whew! Den wun wun fast get ball and... Yeaaaa!”
Confusion averted.









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